Oblivious

I know some people don’t know how to handle upsetting news about others. For instance, you say ‘my dog died’. Usually a pat on the back & “I’m sorry” is a common response from acquaintances. Friends will give you a hug, also tell you ‘I’m soo sorry’ and ask how you’re doing ‘for real’. Either friend or acquaintance may share what it was like when something similar happened to them.


The last sentence annoys me sometimes. I mean, I do it, I know I do. As a matter of fact, when I hear myself doing it – I try to stop mid-sentence without making it look obvious.

To me, I’m not sure which is worse, just saying I’m sorry or saying ‘well when it happened to me, I did this’. If I’m on the receiving end of this, I feel like, well maybe I shouldn’t drag out my sorrow b/c this person didn’t. Or maybe I’m not feeling sad enough b/c this person mourned for so much longer.

When I’m on the giving end, I think, would I want to hear this? I mean, I’m not trying to be mean or rude in the least, but I really doubt they want advice about how I handled my pain b/c sometimes, it almost feels like that means I’m playing down their pain. Like, oh if you have animals, they die and it’s something everyone deals with it. This is how I handled it…You’ll be fine.

I know that is not what is meant. I know that you’re trying to comfort the person. Instead, I now try to comfort them with their memories of their lost loved one, and saying, ‘I remember how hard it is, if I can help, please let me know…I’m always here to listen.’

And while I’m ranting, I hate to hear ‘You’ll be okay/You’ll get through this..’ Well no shit. I know I’m going to survive this, but it doesn’t lessen what I’m feeling and right now, I just want to…cry, yell, be mad at the world, etc. So do NOT tell me I’ll be ok!!

Someone that I've recently become acquainted with texted me to let me know that the u/s tech believes her new pregnancy had quit developing. My heart broke for her. She’s previously suffered 2 miscarriages. We’ve discussed our miscarriage experiences and how people react to them many times.

When she told me what had been said at her u/s, my heart broke. I do remember how terrible it is. I let her know if she needed to talk/cry/yell, I would gladly listen. That was all she needed to know. She didn’t need to know what I did when I had my miscarriages, she didn’t need to know how I felt during those times.

I shared with mutual acquaintinces so that no one would ask her how her appt went (it’s like getting punched in the stomach – you’re putting on a brave face and then some unknowing person tears it off with a simple ‘Sooo..do you have any u/s pics?’)…one person responded “Well, it just wasn’t meant to be.”

I.HATE.THAT.RESPONSE.

It wasn’t meant to be? My child, whom I’ve been growing in my womb wasn’t meant to be born? Why? Did he/she do something wrong?

I know, deep down they mean well, but when you lose a parent/friend/family member, and you tell me this news, I'll reply “I’m so sorry, but their life just wasn’t mean to be.” Would it be ok to reply that way?

Some people don’t believe that miscarriages mean anything. There was a chromosome defect, and since they were never born they weren't a ‘real baby’, it’s better this way then them suffering in a cruel world with a defect.

Right, well it was my child and oh hey – I see you have 2 or 3 of your own that drive you crazy – but I’d like that feeling. The overwhelming, these kids are gonna push me over the edge, feeling. It’s a lot better than – I have no child to cuddle with, kiss their boo-boo’s, read to or watch grow.

I’m thankful for my girls. EVERY day I thank God for them. They are my life. I prayed for so long to have them. I went through 3 miscarriages before I finally was able to give birth to my beautiful Princess.

Think before you speak…don’t be the oblivious party to sad news….I stood in an emergency room disrobing for an exam while bleeding so bad it was running down my legs. I felt the worse pressure I had (up to that point) ever felt. As I was trying to breathe through the pain, out dropped my baby, right onto the floor. A pile of blood, tissue and baby being scooped into a large specimen jar is all I remember. My baby..in a jar. Not in my arms being comforted and kissed. In a jar. In a lab. Dead.

You’re right, ‘it wasn’t meant to be’ makes total sense.

Friends

My mom’s best friend, Terry, was always in my life.  Turns out, my mom had met her once…maybe it was in lamaze classes…I don’t remember for sure…but then they met again when my mom was in the hospital for her bp while she was pregnant w/me and while Terry was there having her daughter, Shannon.  I’m not sure when their friendship blossomed, if it was at the hospital the 2nd time or if it was when they were both waitresses at the same place.  Either way, they've been friends forever.
Her daughter and I are both the same age, so we played together and became friends too.  I can remember staying the night at her house (where she tortured me telling me there was a man in the window - uh, hey thanks for the nightmares Shan!) and her staying at mine. 
One time we were lying on my bed w/our feet against the wall and we put our feet through the wall.  My dad was pissed!  He was screaming at us and smashed my doll-house.
Huh...after typing that last part, it sounds like my dad was a monster…he wasn’t, really…but he was reallllly pissed! And maybe I should add...we didn't just have our feet on the wall - we were actually pounding our feet against the wall.  [insert my sheepish grin here]
When Shannon went to a different hs, we didn’t see each other much. I still saw Terry a lot just from being w/my mom went she went over and Terry coming to our house…then I ended up at the same high school as Shannon my junior yr – only she went to the vocational hs in our district, so again, we didn’t really see each other.
Terry found out she had cancer a few years after we graduated.  Shortly after...maybe before her diagnosis, Shannon had a little boy, Anthony, that was the spitting image of Terry.  It was insane how much he looked like her!
In 1999, while pregnant, I remember babysitting for Anthony.  Shannon was taking me home and she told me how her mom had lectured her to drive carefully w/me in the car b/c I was pregnant.   
A few days later, on 8/16/99, I miscarried.  I was heartbroken.
The next day, on 8/17/99, Terry lost her battle after a long hard fight.  I cried all the time.  Hormones, mourning my baby and mourning someone that was like an aunt to us, it left me with headaches and heartaches. 
One of the best pieces of advice I read shortly after my miscarriage was to name my baby.  I chose Terry Bryce.  Knowing my baby was being cared for by someone I loved so much helped the hurt in my heart.
Fast forward 14 years later and my beautiful daughter, Cadence and Shannon’s beautiful daughter, Kennedy, are now friends.
It makes me happy to see them together…it brings back fond memories of my childhood and every once in awhile, I feel like Terry and my dad are watching their granddaughters play, over a cup of coffee.