Some of these bullets, I’ve thought of…but not thought of…the notion was just a blip on my radar. Then I read this. ‘The one who sometimes dreads adulthood instead of looking forward to it’.
There is no IEP when you’re an adult. There is no reduced spelling list. There isn’t an intervention specialist that will help you finish that project for college or work.
Sometimes I feel like an asshole because I think ‘Can she manage w/o help when she gets a job?’. I have to clarify, her learning disability is not debilitating. So I feel like I overreact when I see what other parents have to deal with. But on the other hand, I watch what my 6 yr old can accomplish and my heart breaks for my 10 yr old. So yea…what is going to happen when she’s on her own as an adult?!
Last week, Cai was writing a story. I encourage it, but in reality I HATE it b/c she’s asking how to spell words most 10 yr olds know how to spell. I know, I’m an asshole. One of the questions was how to spell ask. I said, ‘sound it out’. As soon as I did, I cringed. She cannot sound out words. So ask..she would sound out each sound, but when it’s time to put those sounds together, she’d spell something completely off the wall – like dog or something.
Anyway, she started to sound it out and Bry walks over and quickly sounds it out and tells her how to spell it. Cai looked defeated and said, ‘is she right?’ I almost wanted to lie and say no b/c I could see she wasn’t happy about her little sister, in first grade, spelling it for her. I said yes and told Bry to let Cai do her own spelling, unless she is asked for help.
I also wanted to tell Bry how proud of her I was and make a big deal about her spelling!
So..again..asshole mom b/c I couldn’t/didn’t congratulate her for doing well b/c I didn’t want the other to feel worse.
I should have just told her. A S K
When I start to get mad that she learns differently or when I’m just so annoyed b/c WHY CAN’T SHE GET IT??!!! I start to get more mad at myself. So what..she can’t spell. So what…she can’t put a sentence together…she doesn’t understand math..or money. SHE’S HEALTHY…SHE’S ALIVE….she’s not dealing with other disabilities. Why can’t I be thankful she’s ONLY dealing with learning disabilities instead of being mad that she struggles?
My heart aches and my mind hates me.
It’s a vicious cycle.
But don’t ever take my guilt & self-doubt as a sign of weakness. Because I promise…. I am “that mom.”