Friday, June 5, 2009

Not Perfect

I know that I’m not perfect & believe me, if I ever for one second thought I was, my mom's frequent reminders would knock me right back down to reality.

I know that I don't forgive easily. But I do forgive. I know I'm judgemental…b/c again, if I ever forgot any of the fantastic traits, my mom has no problems letting me know to what extent of rigid I am.

I'm currently 30 wks & 1 day pregnant! How exciting…8-9 wks left. I was starting this awesome post yesterday about being 30 wks pregnant & how I was looking forward to holding B & that I couldn't wait for Cadence to hold her..

Then my mom came over & that post has been shot to shit & my happy pregnancy stories don't compare to my mom putting me in my place & knocking me down to the level I apparently need to be at.

It is no secret that I don't like Mike. I mean really, it's out there & everyone knows it, him included.
Sure I'm happy my mom has someone to love…sure I know no one (but ESPECIALLY ME) is perfect, but I just don't care for him…it's not even so much that I don't like him as I have no feelings for him one way or the other.
I'm over it - for a long time the feelings I had were quite bitter. I mean I could go into detail, but I won't b/c that would be a one-sided story & even though this is my blog & the point of it is to write, I try to keep it just about happy kid/family things, so I won't go on & on about the things that hurt/upset me. I mean, jeez, do I really want to add selfish to the list of things my mom likes to point out about my imperfections?

W/o going into A LOT of detail, I'll say that I don't like the way he treats my mom or her kids or their kids or actually kids in the family, (but my mom is the one that lives w/him so she has to deal w/it - I don't).…well that is to say except his grandchild that was born to his only child who is also perfect.
I mean to drop out of school, sleep around & let her dad spoil her & take care of her & get pregnant & then the boy married her (was it b/c of the pregnancy or b/c he loved her - guess we'll never know) but I digress…I always wonder, does she get the fabulous lectures/attacks I get? Probably not - b/c she loves my mom (in a weird clingy kind of stalkerish way) & so of course she doesn't have to hear it.
And it's not just my mom that enjoys lecturing me about my behavior - my gramma too.. Yep - like mother like daughter apparently…after all the years I said I would be blessed to be 1/2 the women they are b/c they are so strong & have done so much with so little - but the older I get & the more I realize they try to "irish guilt" you & umm..when you're having a perfectly normal conversation they like to bring up things they don't like about you & of course, in turn you get defensive & it turns into an emotional argument (especially when you're PREGNANT), well I've since decided, I'm good - no desire to be like them - thanks though.
Anyway, to get back on track…
He treats the kids different - for the longest time he preferred Cadence over the boys. Weird, yea - but according my mom it's b/c he's only been around Dawn & so he doesn't know how to act w/the boys. ::eye roll::
After living w/them - YES I’m THANKFUL THEY GAVE US A PLACE TO LIVE W/ALL MY DOGS, MY HUSBAND & MY DAUGTHER (even if Mike wanted me to get rid of Scooby b/c she attacked Cherokee - which was my mom's fault & so Scooby was NEVER allowed out when Mike was there - I mean NONE of the dogs were allowed out when he was there - but it was their house - he made sure that I knew that…
It's a good thing I'm not perfect & have no problems pointing out that when they lived w/us (AND YES THEY GAVE US $900 FOR LIVING THERE) I NEVER would knock him down & put him in his place by saying that it was MY house…but then, maybe that's what perfect people do…and as you can see above - I'm not perfect & if you don't believe me - give my mom a call.
Wait…where was I? Oh after living w/them twice, I realized that he's not a very nice person. Sure I can be bitchy & judgemental & well just see the beginning of this post, but no matter what anyone in the family has said or done - I still help when I can. Apartment in my name - check (in my opinion it was b/c my mom didn't want to tell Mike she was doing it..actually, she said that's why she didn't want to - so it's not my opinion)…babysit & leave phones on even though I'm not speaking to Alan - check.
Sure I can be rigid, but I'm also pretty giving.
Do I like Dawn? No..another simple fact - why? I'm not actually sure..maybe b/c she doesn’t get the lectures & attacks the rest of us get even though she's lazy & slutty & everyone just looks past that, but when it was her baby shower I told my mom just get her a cheap pair of pj's from me.
For TWO Christmas' I even got her gifts b/c I felt bad she wouldn't have anything to open from the STACEY's…if I only I wasn't all of the above..
Mike treats our kids like crap. Plain & simple. Actually he isn't that great to us either..anyone remember Alan's b/day last yr? Gramma? Mom? Anyone? He was down right mean & nasty & said horrible things to Lisa. I didn't get into it - but omg, Lisa was ready to kill him.
None of my business…
At my aunt's house, not only does he treat our kids like crap but he has so problem pushing Heaven out of his way to sit down & get irriated w/Dj when Dj wants to turn the channel b/c Mike is on the phone, not watching tv…ya know - at Dj's house…
It's fine..
But all of these things add up. Again, I know I'm not perfect & I know Dennis, Lisa, Alan, Jenny - none of us are perfect & we've all done some nasty things to each other…but it's not constantly repeated - over & over & over…& when we do fuck up, we spend FOREVER making up for it..i mean see above "irish guilt" my mom never lets us down there - 10 yrs ago I said I wanted to do something for me & today, when I need to be reminded I'm not perfect, she'll tell me that story. Does Mike or Dawn get that? I'm gonna go w/….NO.
Last nite when she came to pick up Colin from me, she came & was acting normal - having a regular conversation…
Then she came w/it…I don't understand…why don't you come to my house, why we never talk, why you can't be nice to mike, he's my husband…blah, blah, blah.
I said, really, you want to do this? It always ends bad…I'm high risk pregnant - why would you want to do this?
"I was high risk pregnant too & you all turned out fine" (For the record - my brother almost died & she wasn't even being treated like this…again..for about the 10th time during the pregancy..if my kid hates the sound of Nana's voice - it wouldn't surprise me one bit!).
To which I said, really, you had a body full of blood clots & had to do 2 blood thinning shots a day so your babies wouldn't die?
"Well…no, but my dad killed himself while I was pregnant & it was extremely emotional & everything was fine".
Fine..but as an afterthought & follow-up to what she told Lisa (there are women who go through A LOT worse than this & their babies are fine) why is it ok to treat me like that while I'm pregnant? High risk or not? What you survived or not? I'm PREGNANT! Hmmm…maybe I got that selfish gene from my mom & gramma who don't mind putting their upsets before my pregnancy…you know my 5th pregnancy..wait…5th…how is that - you only have 1 child…oh that's right..the other 3 ended in miscarriages…But of course, bringing up my pregnancy was probably just me being over-dramatic (another wonderful trait for me to add to the list..)
So she went on to tell me that she doesn't like Dennis & Jenny sometimes but she never treats them this way. (to which I said, I guess it's a good thing we don't come to your house then, you don't have to endure Dennis).
I replied pointing out the fact that I don't come to her house b/c she lives too far away, has mosquitoes the size of horses & her yard is always flooded. Not to mention that Mike follows the kids around so worried that they're going to ruin something…really, dude, take a look around, I'm pretty certain there isn't much for them to ruin.
That I don't call her b/c even when it's clear there is a phone in her hand attached to her ear, Mike will carry on a conversation like it's the 2 of them eating dinner…my FOUR YEAR OLD knows better than that..I mean not to judge him or anything.
That I just don't like Mike, sorry, but I'm polite to him.
"I don't just want you to be polite, I want you to have a conversation".
No, you probably don't..actually…Ask my father in law. I'm CERTAIN you don't want me to have a conversation.
Anyway, I simply said..well I won't repeat it on here b/c it was a little shocking for even me..but even if the point wasn't taken, the fact that I said what I said, was.
I then said, you're exactly like Gramma, having to start something when we were having a normal conversation. I get extremely worked up & that's ok?
She said "Oh I know & you told Gramma, I'm high -risk pregnant you know? - Alan told me". She even had a smirk when she finished that sentence thinking she had one up on me b/c she knew something I'd said..
To which I said, Actually, NO I didn't say that to her - so maybe Alan should get his facts straight - HE'S the one that said I should say it to her" (maybe he smoked before he called her?)

I started to cry & I'm sure more was said, mostly she stared at me while I tried to explain myself..for what, I don't really know..not being the daughter she raised…how many times have I heard that..i don't know how you turned out like this, I didn't raise you to be like this..
I couldn't quit crying & I certainly wasn't going to continue this fight - she may not care about B or MY HEALTH (oh but Mike's nurse looked funny during his EKG & so she was certain there wasn an issue…right…b/c if there was an issue, they'd send you home on a Fri & say, the dr will call you next wk w/the results…whatever..i had a leg FULL of blood clots & my dr was called before I was allowed to leave the exam & she told me I had to go straight to the ER & be admitted - but my health is completely unimportant in this converation w/her), but I do, so I told her to leave & went into the bathroom to cry to myself until she left.

She was mad that I asked her to leave…really? Like I was going to sit there & keep taking her abuse. YES ABUSE. I mean, what would you call it?
She told Lisa, well I guess it's done, Missy asked me to leave.
WTF? What was I supposed to do, I mean really?? I said not to start it (but that's me being demanding & wanting things only my way) b/c I knew how it would end.
Talk about pushing me away. Guess what, 1/2 the reason I don't talk to her is b/c of this. Because out of every 10 conversation, probably 2 end up like this.
My life is so stress-free when I don't talk to her for days/weeks on end.

I was so looking fwd to Gramma's visit, but I have no doubt my mother has already relayed this conversation w/her & that my next lecture will be from her.
Who wants to put themselves through that? Not me.

I also want to point out that since losing our house b/c of Westhaven's illegal doings & living w/them at their house, when I cry, Cadence practically has a panic attack. I'm not kidding when I say she gets so upset she starts crying.
At my mom's she'd come over, put her arm around me & soothe me & say, what did Mike do, momma?
Yesterday after I left the bathroom & was still crying, she was telling me to stop, it was going to be ok, what was wrong? To which I replied, Nana was mean.
When I couldn't quit crying, she said, it's ok mommy, Nana's not your mom anymore.
So, while my mom may count this one in her favor - she might want to only give herself 1/2 credit b/c Cadence was very upset that I was crying for 45 mins after my mom left.

Yes this post went on longer than I thought & I'm sure my mom has a whole other side to it…but I left nothing out including my issues.
And a side note - I LOVE to post pics w/every post I do..unfortunately I forgot to take a picture of myself crying after 45 mins to share..so no pic today.
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